Memories Pt. 18

lunches and dinners, early on

When we were both much younger and romance still trumped real life, I used to come visit you at work for lunches and dinners. Sometimes it would be a rest stop on my way to and from work, other times I would make a special trip. I would often bring food or fruit to make sure you had enough, other times we would go out.

There was no rhyme or reason.

Sometimes when I arrived, I would hang back a little and watch you while you worked. I loved watching you at work. Your true compassion and caring comes out. You were meant to help people. You chose well. I was so lucky.

When I finally came forward you'd always brighten and greet me with a 'hey you' and a smile which still makes my heart flutter.

I miss those lunches and dinners, sitting on a bench, people watching. I miss sharing salad and fruit. I miss the pain of tearing myself away.

I miss you.

Plans Pt. 6

For the last year I have been searching. Searching for something I have only seen, but I have never been able to find.

On the street, on the subway, at work. I have even approached women to ask for help, but to no avail.

I have been trying to find you the perfect pair of black Mary Jane flats. I think that is what they are called. I mean those rounded toe slip ons that have the strap that runs across the top of your foot.

You have a pair, but they hurt your feet. And you are always complaining about comfortable shoes for work.

I have never stopped looking and I don't think I will anytime soon.

I might find them and I may not, but I need to try.

Plans Pt. 5

You said once you had a vision of us walking with two boys. You never told me that when we were together. Only after we were apart.

I always thought we would have a boy and a girl. One of each. My mother would love a granddaughter. So one of each would be ok.

I never told you that.

Ever.

Plans Pt. 4

You always wanted to go to Paris.

I had been as a child, but I only remember very little. I remember cozy bistros and the Eiffel Tower and Notre Dame and a seedy little hotel.

I was convinced we would go. Sooner or later, but probably sooner. If I hadn't proposed before we left, I definitely would have there. I even had it planned.

I was saving for a ring, which you kind of knew about, but we ended up spending that money of our vacation south. You didn't know about the tux.

I bought a tux on ebay. I am not sure how it fits as I have never opened it. I was planning on having it tailored, but you always said maybe.

I would have surprised you as your husband. I am sure of that.

You would have been happy.

Memories Pt. 17

summer or fall, the lakeshore

We got in your car and went for a drive. Bored I guess. You wanted to get out of the house and we didn't have much money or anywhere to go.

It was warm during the day and cooling off in the evening. I think you suggested 7-11. I am not sure why, but I think you wanted a treat. You knew I loved slurpees and I was going through a phase. I think you just wanted to make me happy.

We stopped there and stocked up, me with my slurpee, you with your hot chocolate/coffee mixture that you got from time to time when you were slumming it and amusing my junk food habit.

It was the story of our affair. I was warm and needed cooling off and you were cold and wanted to warm up. Just like when we were trying to sleep. So a slurpee and hot chocolate seemed to make perfect sense.

By the time we got down to the lake it was dark and deserted. We headed west of Sunnyside to the playground near the Bryers. You loved swings and I loved how happy they made you.

Sugar rush kicking in, we played on the swings to see who could go higher, until one of us got scared, you because the whole set started to shake or me because the swing I sat in didn't seem up to the capacity.

The teeter totter seemed more our speed and off we went.

You didn't seem used to having a fella that could pick you up and throw you around. Without much effort or warning up you shot as my end grazed the ground. I wouldn't let you down, teasing you while you giggled and struggled the entire time. Eventually, we did what we were supposed to and gently teetered and tottered until we both fell into a stupor of childhood memory.

Soon the sugar wore off and the night cooled so we wandered back to your car, pressed together, you trying desperately to climb inside me for warmth and me wondering how to make it possible.

Climbing into the car, I leaned over and kissed you, like many times before and many since, just wanting to impart some of the happiness I felt with you, some of the love I had for you and especially some of the warmth I had left on my lips.

Memories Pt. 16

living together

You took care of the house and I took care of you. I was amazed by the number of times I would come home and you wouldn't have eaten. You didn't seem to be able to cook for yourself, others yes, but not for yourself.

I would come home and you would be sitting there, killing time in front of the TV or listening to music.

Have you eaten, I would ask.

'Not really', you'd reply. 'I had some toast' or 'I had some chocolate'.

It scared me, but also made me feel like a man. You needed me. You needed me to take care of you. And you wanted me to.

I cooked for you every chance I got. I loved cooking for you. If I didn't have it in me to cook for you, I would make sure I got you a meal, either Indian or a roti or something special. I loved being able to provide for you, especially as I didn't feel like I had a lot of money. But I needed to do it for you.

I was convinced it made you happier. To feel like someone would lift you up and not let you do the bad habits that we all fall into.

It made me feel warm and needed and part of your life.

Memories Pt. 15

spring and summer, the beach.

It started at Sunnyside. I had been playing volleyball for years, indoors and out, through pain, fun and heartbreak. But at Sunnyside I got to play through love.

We hadn't been dating very long when you started to come down to watch. You loved to ride your bike and at first, I am sure, it was an excuse to ride down to the beach, your second favourite thing. If you had favourites.

But you did come to see me. We would speak on the phone and you'd say you'd come, but I never knew when you'd arrive. About half way through our second match, if I was facing the right way, I'd see you come around the corner of the pavilion. My eyes not being the best, I'd see the yellow beast first and slowly put your face on the rider as you approached. My attention would be gone, my heart would race and I would immediately try harder, knowing you were watching. Those were the lucky days.

Sometimes, we'd be facing the wrong way and I wouldn't know you were there until I heard your bell. That bell would ring and my heart would melt, my skin would flush and the hair would stand up on the back of my neck like some sort of divine pavlovian response. You see, I was smitten.

And you would be standing there, smiling, so happy to see your boy-whatever sweaty and sandy, running back and forth in front of a net. Trying his heart out to impress you with his mediocre skills. Afterwards, we would join the team for a drink and then head off on our own little adventures on our bikes, in the summer night.

Soon enough, you caught the bug. You wanted to play. Luckily, you had friends playing on a different night who needed a player and you, being you, dove right in just super excited to be there. And I followed you. I would come down every night to watch you play. Some nights I would find myself on the court helping out, but I prefered to watch you have fun. You just have such a wonderful spirit about you, carefree and open, willing to see the fun in everything.

Before long, we were playing together. It had its ups and downs. I was hard on you and you resented that, but I was so proud when you really started to improve. I never told you how proud I was of how you improved; how you got faster and willing to take more risks. No, not really risks, but chances. You took more chances because you started to know that you could. You knew that you'd be successful. And I was proud of that, too.

You play with you own team, far away from me now, but I know you still play with fire, with an eagerness to get better and I dream of seeing it, of seeing you.

I still play too, which you know, but I don't play with as much fire as I did. I lost some of the fun when I lost you. The laughter is gone. But tonight, tonight, it came back for a second, or maybe a piece of a second. You see, one of our teammates called out your name by mistake during a play and my heart turned over.

I died in that second.

You see, in that fraction of time, I remembered how much I wanted you there and then, well then I remembered that you weren't.

Memories Pt. 14

summer, in kingston

We were in the mall. You were desperately looking for a dress for a wedding we were invited to. Having no luck and coming down to the wire you finally found one and what a deal it was! You were so under budget that you got super excited and bought me two sweaters. I loved when you got excited. You became so radiant.

We continued to shop. Having nothing on our agenda and you seemingly having a surplus in your budget we went into every store worth entering.

At Guess or Buffalo, I don't remember which, we stumbled upon a sale. You grabbed some things and headed to the change room. I sat outside on a stool talking to you through the curtain as I always did.

Emerging, to give me a show, you were wearing that top. The backless ethereal patterned top with the billowie short sleeves.

My jaw dropped. You looked incredible, radiant and completely at ease. The shirt fit you perfectly. You spun around with a joyous smile on your face. Your lithe toned back finally had the right canvas to work. The tailoring revealed a hint of your tattoos. I was smitten. It was like two long lost relatives finally found each other.

'Is it too revealing?', you asked.

Not on your life, I thought. It is everything you are to me, playful, sexy, modest and fun.

No way, you have to get it, I said.

You did.

I think you wore it twice, but you took it out of the closet a bunch. You always seemed too shy or doubtful of your own beauty to wear it. Both stupid ideas. It made you look more amazing than you always did.

I loved you in it and loved you when you couldn't put it on.

Although those times I wished you could see yourself through my eyes.

Plans Pt. 3

summers, the County.

We drive a lot in the county. Going for cider and cheese or visiting town or friends.

You are the better driver, but I own the car, so...

I always thought I would win the lottery. I don't buy tickets very often, but I thought I would win, it would just take a little time. It didn't matter that the odds were stacked against me. I was going to win eventually. It had to happen because it would make our lives easier. Driving in the car through the county, I had lots of time to think about how to spend the money.

There is a house, off set from the road, in Cherry Valley. It was obviously built new on a huge piece of land overlooking East Lake. Everytime I drove past I knew I had to buy that house for you. If I couldn't buy it I would rebuild somewhere earby.

Your family has summered in the County for so long. You love it and you made me love it. I knew I had to buy property for you there, either from Chuck Slik or another agent, but I had to get that for you.

So, as we drove, I was plotting where I would put our house if I couldn't buy the one I liked. The next best location was on the river from Milford. The north side seemed pretty sparse, only farms and I thought I could cajole a farmer to give use some river front property.

If not, the south side had some places that I thought I could get.

I planned the house in my head. Knowing only the outside, I planned an open concept with lots of windows, a covered patio all around, sunroom on the back facing the water and a dock and boat launch for the grandfathers and kids. It would have a garage and a guest house off to the side. Yes, a guest house! As I knew we would entertain. Visions of my folks coming up in winter to see us and our kids during the holidays. A guest house with a couple of suites so that we would always have room. Your sisters or brother would have a place to stay. Or a nice home for your Dad and Ann when they weren't away on one of their trips. Close to his friends, but private enough.

Brick, it would all be made out of brick, looking like all the old farm houses we saw when we drove.

I was hoping to have it built without you knowing. I wanted to surprise you. I even had visions of the phone calls I would have to make and not let you hear.

All of this while I was driving.

Memories Pt. 13

evenings, summer and fall.

From the beginning I knew about you and your bike. We talked about it a lot and most of our early nights were spent meeting places on two bicycles, one yellow and one gray.

Riding behind me you'd always ring your bell to make sure I knew you were still there. I got into the habit myself. If I was behind you, I would often speed up and try to get next to you, close. Close enough so I could touch your side or brush your arm.

Later, when you were staying over, you'd always ring your bell when you arrived at the front door. Just to let me know you were here.

I came to love that little ring.

Now, at night sitting in our house, when I hear a bicycle bell I think its you.

And you are coming home.

Memories Pt. 12

movie cinema.

I made you go to Miami Vice with me. I was a huge fan as a kid and love Michael Mann. I knew it would probably suck, but I wanted to see it.

You said yes with a smile. You would try anything, always with a smile.

We went and the movie wasn't very good, but there was a moment. A moment in the middle where Crockett meets up with his new girl, the drug dealing accountant. They look at each and say, 'hola, amigo' and 'hola, amiga'.

In the dark of the theatre, you turned and looked at me, squeezing my arm. I looked at you, squeezing your thigh where my hand usually was.

It was just like us.

You will always be my muchacha. And I will always be your muchacho.

life with her was filled with...

contradictions to untangle.
deepness to penetrate.
walls to break through.
habits to respond to.
sparks to share.
comfort.
hope.
love.

Memories Pt. 11

the annex, at a birthday party.

We party hopped all night. One of your friends first and a few drinks. Then made our way to a friend of friends for a birthday party.

We had to bring a gift of sayings or platitudes or advice for the birthday boy. We had spent the afternoon hanging out and getting art supplies. I worked on mine all afternoon, you did yours in a hour. You had a knack.

We didn't really know anyone at the party. Both of us were a little drunk on wine and didn't really want to shmooze. We hung back. Just as we had all day, together. Enjoying each other more than the rest of the world. We were inseperable.

A quiet word, a giggle or two and we found ourselves alone with all the coats. Time for us, away from the noise.

Foolish and care free, we lived in the moment and lived for each other.

Memories Pt. 10 and Plans Pt. 2

by the ocean, the first time not the last.

Early on, I convinced you to come with me home. It was all so exciting and yet so new. I can't believe you said yes and came.

We spent two days by the sea. Two days of solitude, just getting to know each other. Feeling things out. I learned you were a master fire builder and that you collected rocks and shells for your mother's garden.

No electricity, only lanterns and fires and lots of blankets and quilts. Nights by the fireplace or down by the beach, roaring bonfire, drinking wine and nestling up together in the shelter of a beach rock.

Shopping at the general store in the small town, walking on the beach. Showing you my life, my childhood. You took a picture that is glorious and peaceful, the best I have seen from the front window. Sunny and warm, it breathes comfort.

I always thought we would take our children there. Show them my life, since they would see so much of their mother's. Spend a week there in the summer, swimming and catching fish, playing in the river, boiling mussels on the beach. Nothing but love and nature and family.

Just like I did when I was child.

Just like we did that summer.

Memories Pt. 9

Spring, high park.

The first night.

I had been lonely for a long time, but I had only recently been ready to not be alone.

We had met online and chatted for a month before we got the courage and skill to meet.

You suggested frisbee in the park, I agreed, plotting more in the back of my head. This girl was special and I was ready to treat her as such.

We met outside the subway station, you holding your yellow beast and glowing, me holding my knapsack being shy, stooping a little and trying not to stare at my shoes.

Later you would say that when you saw my all stars your heart did a little flutter. 'This boy is cute'

We wandered into the park, finding our spot, which we returned to many times later to throw the frisbee around. I hadn't in years, but we were both very forgiving.

We meandered and talked, trying to feel each other out. Down we went past the zoo and the jungle gym into the big field below.

This is a pretty good spot, I think I said.

'For what?'

I came prepared. Opening my bag, pulling out quilt and cups, olives and wine and a bunch of cheese.

Picnic, I said.

We lay in that park, drinking our wine, eating our cheese for hours, until the sun went down, talking and laughing until it was time to leave.

Slowly, walking out of the park, up the hill, I stopped, touching your arm, and kissed you. Tentatively, soft and sudden. It surprised you and you said as much.

I told myself I wouldn't worry and I should act more when I think I should do something, I blurted unconvincingly.

'That's a good philosophy' you smiled.

I melted. Wanna go get another drink?

'Ok'

I think I started loving you right there, in the dark of that park on that night oh so many years ago.

Memories Pt. 8

nights, at home and abroad.

Sometimes on the couch, but mostly in the bed. She falls asleep.

And I lie there and watch, listen and fall in love.

You have a love affair with sleep. Cat naps, bedtimes, resting your eyes; you could fall asleep anytime.

'I have to keep moving or I fall asleep' you would say. I never believed it, until it started happening.

Nights were the best. You would pretend to read, holding your book at a creditable angle with a firm hand, bundled up in cozy sheets. Your eyes would droop a little, flutter and eventally close. Your jaw would ease, the tension leaving your perfect face. Your mouth opening ever so slightly revealing the mouth guard you have to wear at night. Your breathing would soften and steady with an ever so slight whisper as it passed your lips.

The book would never waver. Held firm, I would have to pry it from your hands making sure not to lose your page.

Generally, you wouldn't stir. You would wander off to slumberland in peace. Contentedness written across your unfurrowed brow.

Eventually, I would start to nod off. Knowing an unwinnable cause, I would turn off the light, shimmy flat and lean in to you, slinking my arm over your tummy, pushing my chin into your nape. Knowing something was different, you would turn, unconscious or not, pushing yourself back into me, gently clutching my arm to insure I wouldn't get away and would keep you warm and protected through the night.

Barely stirring, I would hear it. Like a voice in a cave or an empty church. Soft and free, enveloping me, making me warm and instilling peace. Barely above the whisper of your breathing, clutching me tighter, you would purr, 'Muchacho...'

With one word, all my cares were gone.

It was rare that I would sleep first. It happened, but not very often.

Memories Pt. 7

Summer afternoon, in the county.

I imagine we got up late, but I could be wrong. We definitely made breakfast, eggs, veggie links, special potatoes fried for a long time in garlic and lots of seasonings, a cup of coffee from the tiny little coffee pot. Everything shared, the way it is supposed to be.

Dishes done and drying. Kitchen clean. Music coming from an ipod by way of your tivoli. Whose? Not sure, at this point all the music blends together, so much shared that we wouldn't be able to tell even if we wanted to.

Lazy day, muffled conversations come from other trailers. Sometimes the calm is shattered by an atv, but not too often.

Sudoku in my hand, crossword in your's. I do sudoku, not 'cause I love it, but because of the way it accesses my brain. Doing the puzzle isn't hard. It is just a matter of following the steps. There isn't too much thought and definitely not hard work. It lets me be active but also free.

Free to listen to you. You are still learning the tricks; the common clues to crosswords. Every once in a while you ask for help and I switch left brain, right brain and back again. Sudoku lets me do that.

I love watching you figure out your crossword. I could watch it all day. You are cute and determined. Writing your ideas down next to the clues until you are sure.

Later we'd do them together. You always write. I just help. Cuddled up on the couch, in a cafe knees pressed together, lying on a hotel bed, relaxing on the beach, jammed into one half of the trailer's dinette. Heads pressed together

Chicago trains (3)

A tower in Pisa does it (5)

Japanese metropolis (5)

I still find them when going through the house. Half done, almost finished, barely started. Rolled up crosswords with scribbles and notes.

Pieces of you.

Efforts and thoughts.

Forever etched on yellowing newsprint.

Plans Pt.1

I am a quiet guy, sometimes shy. Oftentimes that comes across as angry which I am rarely.

I get scared and have worries and live inside my head too much. Some have called it overly analytical which is true.

I am not very good at making plans. I tend to be very reactive. I am not sure if it is laziness or just how my mind works, by I tend to react instead of act.

But where would we be without plans?

Plans are like the complement to memories. Memories are all the things that happened in your past, while plans are the memories of the future. Those dreams and ideas that you hold on to, that you work towards.

For the past day, I have been fixated on a plan I had that I have not told anyone. This plan is probably never ever going to happen, but I can't get it out of my head.

In hindsight, it was a fantasy. It was a 3 minute event that would take place in some nebulous future. It had a lot of moving parts, but I thought it would be perfect and would say a lot about me and my partner in crime, and surprise her as well. But it would take two to tango and as I said I never told a soul.

But losing it hurts none the less.

Memories Pt. 6

mornings, any day.

Sometimes I was up early, sometimes you left me sleeping in our bed.

They never changed. They only got better.

When I had to get up first, I hoped I would wake up seconds before the alarm would sound, so I could leap out of bed and turn it off, not waking you. Shave, shower and dressed, I would return to our room, catching a glimpse at the sleeping beauty that lay there before me.

Crawling ever so lightly over all the cats, I would inch in so I could lay the softest kiss possible on your forehead or cheek, trying with all my heart not to wake you.

Every morning I would start my day with failure.

You would always stir, ever so slightly, and, not opening your eyes, whisper through mouthguard and sleep, 'Have a nice day, muchacho'

My heart would melt everytime. And everytime I could do nothing but obey.

On those mornings where I was lucky enough to sleep in a little, I would lie there dead to the world, trying desperately to stay asleep while watching you get dressed; a peak at a secret show.

After all your morning rituals you, too, would turn back to the bed, leaning in, and kiss me on my head.

'Have a nice day, muchacho', I would hear through fog and dream. I would smile and turn and head back down to slumberland fully engulfed by the heat and love carried by those words.

Memories Pt. 5

Warm summer night in the not too distant past.

Peppermint tea and a patio swing.

Talking and touching like we always have. Heads resting together; arm around shoulder. Two soul mates waiting to get old.

Comfortable and content, like sitting in the car watching jets land. Or in a dark cinema sharing a film.

Moments that many would kill for, we had in spades.

Memories Pt. 4

out of town, in the County.

Driven past so many times, you point to it every one.

"There's the drive-in!"

I haven't been to one in years. Since I was eighteen. Don't even remember the film.

"My family used to come all the time. We'd all pile in the van. Four kids and mom and dad."

Everytime, but this night was different.

We went to the drive-in.

The sunlight was dying slowly. We got there right before the rush and got a pretty good spot until the pickup parked in front of us. Oh well. It was still a pretty good spot.

The wizened hippy owner was puttering around on his ancient motorcycle. From screen to screen and back to the snack shack.

Waiting in line for treats, plus a small cache in the car. Diet coke and two straws.

The old guy's announcer voice on full, well-practiced and sure. Horns blaring to welcome the show.

Thinking ahead, you brought a blanket and pillows. I love that you always bring a blanket and pillows.

Small touches under the blanket, each of us trying to edge closer but wary of the brake and shift.

The movie didn't matter. It could have been much worse than it was and still it would have been the best movie I have ever seen.

Memories Pt. 3

Afternoon bike ride to High Park.

Down Lansdowne, over the Dundas bridge to Howard Park.

You stop. I go.

Traffic coming down Dundas. I was careless I guess. Didn't look down, just into your eyes. Could read it on your face before gravity took over. But your eyes told a different story.

My wheel jammed in streetcar tracks. Down I went. Elbow first, then shoulder... Wham! followed by head. Lucky I was wearing a helmet, I guess.

Shock to the system, but all I see is the car getting closer. Wheels heading my way.

Jump up. Grab the bike and run to the curb. Embarrassment sets in before the blood starts to flow.

Scrapes and cuts up and down my arm; layer of skin left on the street.

Words flow fast looking for reassurance: Areyouok? Areyouok? Areyouok?

Fine. But your eyes still tell the story.

We ride on, not making it further than than Roncee.

Snooty coffee shop to order drinks before I mess up their restroom. Brown paper towels are not conducive to first aid.

You feed me some cookie and some tea, helping me through as the adrenalin wears off and soreness sets in.

I will never forget how your eyes still told the story
of what you would do if.

Memories Pt. 2

A cool autumn afternoon.

Pingle's Fun Farm near Clarington.

She introduced me to apple picking. Ripe old age of 33 and never picked an apple 'til that day.

Bags full we climbed on the wagon for a hay ride; tickling kids with straw.

Next stop pumpkin patch. 3 year olds love picking pumpkins.

Into the barn for fudge and hot chocolate.

Back of the van, sleepy on the way home.

Memories Pt. 1

A warm spring day.

I had to close at work, so I had to leave to drive to Oakville in the afternoon.

We met at High Park and went for a walk.

Lay on the grass under a tree at the top of a hill for what felt like forever.

Content.

My head in her lap. Looking at the clouds. We laughed and people watched.

We were so close. So together.

I was in love with her then like I am now.

Alone...

As soon as it began, it is done.

Where do I go from here? That is a question with too many answers and my mind is too full of thoughts and feelings that I can't even process past today.

There are times when my memory is a curse. Not being able to forget things has been very useful, but not now. Now it is like being locked in a very small room with a swarm of angry bees; buzzing around me, stinging where they can.

First kisses, soft touches, smiles, words.

Buzz, buzz, buzz.

Parks and clouds, beaches and laughter.

Buzz, buzz.

Bundling up under blankets on cold nights.

Buzz.

All of them just as if they were yesterday.