Memories Pt. 37

summer, with you not there

Years ago, you went somewhere. As much as I try I can't remember where. You were gone, away from the city. You were still living with your mother, but she was gone too, that much I remember. Everything else is foggy and dark. You had left me, but I had instructions, that much is clear.

I was tasked with stopping in to take care of your cats. I had keys and a need to do what was right; what was agreed and good. Duty.

You were specific that time. You wanted me to stay for a while and give them love. Sure, I could watch cable. Sure, I could make dinner and eat the food. Sure, I could even sleep in your bed if I wanted. I just had to be there for the cats, first and foremost.

I am not sure you told your Mom or her husband that I would have the run of their house. But I had keys and instructions and a purpose.

I kept coming back, mostly late in the evening, after driving back from Oakville. Once with a pizza; once I made dinner, burritos, if I remember. I lay on your bed, eating my food and watching your cable.

Tubby stayed near. Chester roamed as he always does, but checked in every once in a while. And I watched the food network until I started nodding off. Restaurant make-over and iron chef until I started falling asleep on your comfortable bed, in that basement where I never fit.

I felt so near you even though you were far away. I felt like a caretaker of your life; and your Mom's. I was doing good work, necessary work. I was doing my duty. I was your boyfriend.

These memories came flooding back tonight. You see, I was tasked with a similar duty and I struck out to complete it with diligence. Keys were given and I rode hard to to put them in locks. I had to take care of some cats. I couldn't stay as long as I did before, not tonight, but I gave as much as I could.

You used to call me daddy when you talked to your cats. You joked about my love affair with Tubby. How she loved me but hated me a little, or was jealous of you, not sure. Even for a cat, she was high needs. Daddy's little girl, I guess.

Chester has always been his own cat. Fine alone, but making lots of friends, he was playful and warm to everyone. Not so much to me, but we had an understanding. An agreement to make things work for you and tubs. A gentleman's bond. Man to man.

But tonight was different. Alone, I was there taking care of someone else's cats and I couldn't help but think of you. I wanted you to be there. I wanted you to sneak up behind me and startle me with a kiss before jumping up and holding on as I piggy backed you around the room

Duty called, but I wanted you.

Close and there, enjoying our little family.

All to the amusement of the cats.

Cause you know its a simple game that you play...

At night, in the shallow breaths of the dying summer, I sit and think, awake and alive.

Summer is for lovers. That is clear.

It should be bicycles and blankets; picnics and patios; beaches and barbeques, the memories kept and savoured.

Savoured with kisses and cuddles, under fireworks and in parks, the darkness a friend, a quilt to keep out the world.

But the sunlight, those bright and sunny days, shines down and illuminates you. It brightens those things I already know. Those forms. Your beauty; your being. You glow at night and in dusk, no doubt, but under the bright sun of day, you radiate. You are alive, more so than any other time of day. You are like the moon, a daytime moon, reflecting the sun's light down on me.

And I bask.

I live in the glow of you. The sunlight and the love, they are my food. I look for them. I look for them to help me get through the day.

And without, I am less.

I struggle to smile, I struggle to laugh.

All of those things that I want to do, I can't. Not without the glow, the light.

You have that effect on me.

Yes, you sustain me.

And I am tired without.