Aimless in Wonder

My holiday is rapidly coming to an end. Another long night has passed, hugging old friends and shaking the hands of new acquaintences. Merriment seems to continue being a full contact sport. It hurts and makes you wince, but the rush and comraderie make it worthwhile.

Place!

I needed some alone time tonight. More and more, I have been finding that I need to play my Ipod, walk down the road and think some thoughts. I think it makes me a better fella, but it can alienate those around.

Christmas reminds me how much I love this place. I don't fit; feel completely unattached; belong somewhere else, but I physically feel better here. The air refreshes, the incessant rain/snow actually makes me feel better. Two nights in a row I wandered home, soaked to my knees, but loving every minute.

Unless you have been here, you will never understand this place. I am still here and yet I miss it.

There is too much bedrock, too much wind, too much rain. But, the wind and rain and rock underfoot accept the people and we accept them. For what they are.

Different Names for the Same Thing

Christmas in Newfoundland is incredible. It always has been and I hope, knock on wood, it always will. It is like walking in to the perfect store, but a store filled with people. You open the doors, kick off the snow, feel the warm air and begin your shopping experience. The only difference is that you are shopping for the latest model, the newest thing, of people you remember. Sometimes you walk through it all not seeing what you desperately need, like the forest through the trees, but other times you stumble across the best deal ever. Often, it turns out to be nothing like you expected, the coolest thing, but also the scariest.

People!

They confound, they hurt, they ignore. Sometimes they surprise. Alone, alive, sometimes people make you feel like there was in fact a reason. A reason you got up this morning; a reason to shave; a reason to smile at strangers. Sometimes they call you names and sometimes they laugh. Licking the wounds caused by one, oftentimes you stumble into the glow of another. The key is not to let your thin skin be burned by the heat.

Old flames are the worst; they burn deep. Just like Smokey says, "Make sure the fire is out before you leave the forest". If it isn't, it could lead to something interesting, yet troublesome; an act of closure that in fact opens more than it shut.

Time is trouble. Always has been and always will. If you could stop it you would, but only for a second otherwise you might miss something.

My Top 25 Most Played Tracks from my iPod

Rank – Title – Artist - Album
1. What You Want - John Butler Trio - What You Want
2. Taper Jean Girl - Kings Of Leon - Aha Shake Heartbreak
3. Pistol of Fire - Kings Of Leon - Aha Shake Heartbreak
4. Toxicity - System of a Down - Toxicity
5. Everything Else - Fur Packed Action - The Dull Thud Of Fur
6. Paid In Full - Eric B. & Rakim - Paid In Full
7. Employee Of The Month - Fur Packed Action - The Dull Thud Of Fur
8. Different Names For The Same - Death Cab For Cutie - Plans
9. Hung My Head - Johnny Cash - American IV: The Man Comes Around
10. My Doorbell - The White Stripes - Get Behind Me Satan
11. King of the Rodeo - Kings Of Leon - Aha Shake Heartbreak
12. Neighborhood #3 (Power Out) - Arcade Fire - Funeral
13. The Boxer - The Chemical Brothers - Push The Button
14. The Bucket - Kings Of Leon - Aha Shake Heartbreak
15. Deceptacon - Le Tigre - Le Tigre
16. Chop Suey - System of a Down - Toxicity
17. Minerva - Deftones - Deftones
18. Sunshine - G. Love & Special Sauce - The Hustle
19. There'll Come A Time - John Butler Trio - Sunrise Over Sea
20. Black Math - The White Stripes - Elephant
21. Dead Leaves and the Dirty Ground - The White Stripes - White Blood Cells
22. Can I Sit Next To You Girl - AC/DC - High Voltage
23. Eli's Game - Al Green - Let's Stay Together
24. Shadrach - The Beastie Boys - Paul's Boutique
25. Cut The Curtains - Billy Talent - Billy Talent

(A)lone

I have been alone for a long time. This is not debatable. And I would be angry if anyone tried.

Honestly, I love women. I am more of a lecher than most of my friends, but strangely I have very picky tastes. Go figure.

Still, I am alone. And, to be honest, I think it suits me.

That was a very frightening thought. The first time I thought about it, I shed a tear, actually more than one. It was anathematic to what I grew up in. I got over it. Mostly.

I am not alone. I am just living my life without a partner.

I am 'going it alone'. Which is a great sentiment, except people confuse 'Alone' with lonelines. They are very different. Sometimes I am lonely. It sucks. It sucks hard. Sometimes. I scream and fit because I don't want to spend another second thinking lonely thoughts. To be honest, it is hellish.

But it is very different from being 'alone'. To be 'alone' is to be seperate., removed or independent. But the need is different.

Loneliness is a weakness. Being alone confortably is a strength.

Or so they say.