Aimless in Wonder

My holiday is rapidly coming to an end. Another long night has passed, hugging old friends and shaking the hands of new acquaintences. Merriment seems to continue being a full contact sport. It hurts and makes you wince, but the rush and comraderie make it worthwhile.

Place!

I needed some alone time tonight. More and more, I have been finding that I need to play my Ipod, walk down the road and think some thoughts. I think it makes me a better fella, but it can alienate those around.

Christmas reminds me how much I love this place. I don't fit; feel completely unattached; belong somewhere else, but I physically feel better here. The air refreshes, the incessant rain/snow actually makes me feel better. Two nights in a row I wandered home, soaked to my knees, but loving every minute.

Unless you have been here, you will never understand this place. I am still here and yet I miss it.

There is too much bedrock, too much wind, too much rain. But, the wind and rain and rock underfoot accept the people and we accept them. For what they are.

Different Names for the Same Thing

Christmas in Newfoundland is incredible. It always has been and I hope, knock on wood, it always will. It is like walking in to the perfect store, but a store filled with people. You open the doors, kick off the snow, feel the warm air and begin your shopping experience. The only difference is that you are shopping for the latest model, the newest thing, of people you remember. Sometimes you walk through it all not seeing what you desperately need, like the forest through the trees, but other times you stumble across the best deal ever. Often, it turns out to be nothing like you expected, the coolest thing, but also the scariest.

People!

They confound, they hurt, they ignore. Sometimes they surprise. Alone, alive, sometimes people make you feel like there was in fact a reason. A reason you got up this morning; a reason to shave; a reason to smile at strangers. Sometimes they call you names and sometimes they laugh. Licking the wounds caused by one, oftentimes you stumble into the glow of another. The key is not to let your thin skin be burned by the heat.

Old flames are the worst; they burn deep. Just like Smokey says, "Make sure the fire is out before you leave the forest". If it isn't, it could lead to something interesting, yet troublesome; an act of closure that in fact opens more than it shut.

Time is trouble. Always has been and always will. If you could stop it you would, but only for a second otherwise you might miss something.

My Top 25 Most Played Tracks from my iPod

Rank – Title – Artist - Album
1. What You Want - John Butler Trio - What You Want
2. Taper Jean Girl - Kings Of Leon - Aha Shake Heartbreak
3. Pistol of Fire - Kings Of Leon - Aha Shake Heartbreak
4. Toxicity - System of a Down - Toxicity
5. Everything Else - Fur Packed Action - The Dull Thud Of Fur
6. Paid In Full - Eric B. & Rakim - Paid In Full
7. Employee Of The Month - Fur Packed Action - The Dull Thud Of Fur
8. Different Names For The Same - Death Cab For Cutie - Plans
9. Hung My Head - Johnny Cash - American IV: The Man Comes Around
10. My Doorbell - The White Stripes - Get Behind Me Satan
11. King of the Rodeo - Kings Of Leon - Aha Shake Heartbreak
12. Neighborhood #3 (Power Out) - Arcade Fire - Funeral
13. The Boxer - The Chemical Brothers - Push The Button
14. The Bucket - Kings Of Leon - Aha Shake Heartbreak
15. Deceptacon - Le Tigre - Le Tigre
16. Chop Suey - System of a Down - Toxicity
17. Minerva - Deftones - Deftones
18. Sunshine - G. Love & Special Sauce - The Hustle
19. There'll Come A Time - John Butler Trio - Sunrise Over Sea
20. Black Math - The White Stripes - Elephant
21. Dead Leaves and the Dirty Ground - The White Stripes - White Blood Cells
22. Can I Sit Next To You Girl - AC/DC - High Voltage
23. Eli's Game - Al Green - Let's Stay Together
24. Shadrach - The Beastie Boys - Paul's Boutique
25. Cut The Curtains - Billy Talent - Billy Talent

(A)lone

I have been alone for a long time. This is not debatable. And I would be angry if anyone tried.

Honestly, I love women. I am more of a lecher than most of my friends, but strangely I have very picky tastes. Go figure.

Still, I am alone. And, to be honest, I think it suits me.

That was a very frightening thought. The first time I thought about it, I shed a tear, actually more than one. It was anathematic to what I grew up in. I got over it. Mostly.

I am not alone. I am just living my life without a partner.

I am 'going it alone'. Which is a great sentiment, except people confuse 'Alone' with lonelines. They are very different. Sometimes I am lonely. It sucks. It sucks hard. Sometimes. I scream and fit because I don't want to spend another second thinking lonely thoughts. To be honest, it is hellish.

But it is very different from being 'alone'. To be 'alone' is to be seperate., removed or independent. But the need is different.

Loneliness is a weakness. Being alone confortably is a strength.

Or so they say.

Pain

Pain is a very strange thing. People experience pain in many different ways from many different stimuli and each one is individual and unique. Recently, I broke a bone in my leg. It wasn't as serious as it could have been, but as it turns out, serious enough.

On the marathon day of me hobbling around the city seeing doctor after technician after nurse, I finally arrived at an ER where a triage nurse asked me the simple question of, "On a scale of one to ten, how bad does it hurt?"

I answered, after pondering for a second, "A 4 or 5, " and pausing for another second thinking that that, strangely, sounded too low for a broken bone, I continued, "err maybe a 6."

The nurse just looked at me for a moment, not responding, but I read an odd expression on her face which made me think she was thinking one of three things. She looked like she was trying to figure out whether I had experienced a whole lot of pain in my life and in fact this was only a 4 or that I just didn't feel pain the way she did or that I was making the whole thing up inspite of the x-rays I had just handed her.

To her credit, her professionalism kicked in and her face changed to that of the caregiver she was and she insisted, being the poor dear that I was, that I sit in the proffered wheel chair that had magically appeared. I did and I thought. I thought about pain.

The first question that I had was whether I had answered the question correctly. Was the pain only a 4, 5 or 6. I know I haven't physically experienced a lot of pain in my life ; only a couple of broken bones, no crippling illnesses. But the leg just didn't seem like it warranted a 7, 8, or 9. All I figured was that there had to be an infinite number of things that hurt more out there so obviously I couldn't answer higher than a 6.

Personally, I recognize that I have a whole lot of martyr in my personality. A small part of me does enjoy being put upon. Does this help me deal with pain? Absolutely, if part of you thinks that experiencing pain makes you a better person or suffering is something you deserve then the actual suffering never hurts as much. Therein lies the rub of the martyr.

[to be continued]

At some point I became an observer. I am not sure when, where or how, but it happened. I am now an observer of life. It wasn't a choice I would have made, but it happened and now I am stuck with it.

It strikes me that everyone becomes an observer during their lifetimes. It is inevitable. The only thing you can do is distract yourself enough to not remember.

But herein lies the rub.

If you distract yourself too early in the growing process, you could be faced with noticing you are nothing more than an observer... watching the people go by.

The problem is that you forget how to talk to people that you want to talk to. You are a shmo. A sidekick, but without the hero. You are untouchable; a man burdened by no social connection.

It sucks being an observer.

I am shorn!

Its all gone. I should have done something for charity, but I just felt like doing it today.

Moustache... gone!
Goatee... gone!!
Head... gone!!!

Well not quite, the head is about a centimetre long.

Now I need a new profile picture.

I am not the best friend

I am generally a poor friend. I, routinely, don't call people or make plans or invite people over. This is very strange as I know I have a number of friends. And I truly care quite deeply about every single person I call a friend.

When I am at home, I behave a lot like a shut in. Oftentimes, I will avoid answering the telephone simply because I don't want to talk to anyone. The contradiction is that I desperately wish people would call me more often.

I am not too sure this is that healthy, but who knows.

I've decided to create another one

So, here is my second blog. I decided to create this second one as a place where I can store my thoughts about things unrelated to meatloaf.

This one will probably get a little more personal, but I hope not offend.