Memories Pt. 38

birthdays

I am not sure when he said it. I don't even think I was there when he did. I just learned about it from you. It was one of those things that you couldn't wait to share with me. One of those moments that you wished I had experienced with you.

He called it 'happy cake'. It was just one of those things that kids do. They make up names for things. Not sure if it came form happy birthday and birthday cake, but it stuck. From then on we always called it happy cake.

It was one of the many additions to our own language.

But those words are disappearing, like many of things between us. I remember the last happy cake I made you. You said it was the best cake you ever had. You said that about a lot of things I did for you. The best you'd ever had. Mostly food, but other things as well.

But that has all gone. And with its departure there is a hole. I miss the little guy who coined the term. His affection was real. But I miss other things as well. A lot of them were dreams and fantasies, but they all add up to a gaping void. A giant black pit somewhere between my heart and my stomach. A hole that I don't seem to be able to fill.

It is almost like an itch you can't scratch as it is just out of reach.

Not pain, although it has a corona of pain, but a loss so profound it overwhelms me sometimes. A deep dark void where something golden used to be.

A hole in my life perfectly shaped like you.