Memories Pt. 39

christmas eve, at home and on the way home

Holidays were always hard. I worked a lot and never got to take time off. You are so connected to your family that you feel pain when you don't get to share with them.

You'd always go up early, a day or two. To bake and cook and help your sister get the house ready. Those two days were the guiltiest I have ever felt. I couldn't leave work, I had to be there, but I felt I should have just walked out and followed you. I wanted to cook and bake for you. You and your family.

It never happened that way. Our holidays were always short and stunted.

Every christmas eve I would drive myself, in the dark, down the highway to join a celebration winding down. An interloper, eating his luke warm plate while everyone looked on nursing their tea and coffee.

But the evening would unfold and I would unwind.

Eventually, everyone would go and we'd drive home.

You'd nod off in the car. All the family, taking care of the kids, sleep would sneak up on you, especially when you stopped moving. Its like you always knew that it was there, chasing you in a never ending game of tag. Only catching you when you stopped.

I would drive, mostly in silence, not wanting to wake you.

Getting home, we'd have to unpack the car. Your family always treated you well. Lots of leftovers and lots of presents.

But we'd be home.

I looked forward to this time. It was only then I really felt our christmas started. I know you gave up a lot to accommodate my christmas.

Never getting to go where you wanted to go. Never getting to spend time off with me.

But christmas eve, that was it for me. That was our family's christmas; when my excitement came out and all my love was found under that tree and nestled in the bottom of your stocking.

You and me,
the cats,
all curled up by the couch,
near the tree,
taking turns opening gifts,
sipping egg nog,
listening to carols,
old and new.

A family with a tradition of its own.

Sure, there was love the rest of the year.

There was a relationship, sometimes good and sometimes not so much.

But christmas eve, christmas eve was when I had a family