No cars go...

I wonder if I will ever figure out what will make me happy in my professional life. I am getting pretty sick and tired of waiting for that flash of insight that will tell me what I am supposed to do here. There are a bunch of things I know I would be good at, but getting to try them seems so daunting. I never seem to get any response to any applications I have ever submitted. I feel completely trapped in a unhappy rut bordered by huge walls of financial insecurity and indecision. If I hadn't been so contrary, so blasted indifferent when I was younger maybe I wouldn't be here. Maybe I wouldn't feel like I wasted 10 good years of my life.

I wonder if I will ever come to a time in my life that I can honestly say, 'I'm a success'. I don't know if it is me or just some crazy lack of pride, but I can't remember a time in my live that I have felt successful. Day in and day out it seems like my personal and work lives are just unmitigated disasters and I have to fight tooth and nail to get there.

Friend of a friend, you used to call...

I have lived in this house for all of my thirties.
And I have been left twice.
Left to find my way; to pick up the pieces and move on.
Inspite of that I grasp unto it like a drowning man.
I want it to mean something.
But right now it feels so empty.
I am fully aware that I am the Peter Pan of my peer group.
Floating high, untouched by responsibility.
But I am done.
I want to help people.
To have a family.
To be more then a uncle.

Never forget...

My uncle Gordon was on the ground in Korea. I have two great uncles/cousins who served in the Mediterranean during the First World War. I never got a chance to meet any of them.

How does one convince oneself that something one believes isn't something to believe?

This thing hurts like hell, but what did you expect?

Early days...

That quiet, exciting time learning who she was, by keyboard, distance and time. (Surfing in a Warm Industry - Kashmir)

Excitement, yes excitement, from a quiet soul. Love mixed with dance, mostly on the inside, that bred life into a tired soul. (No Cars Go - Arcade Fire)

A fall down the stairs, and a coupled need to care for the wounded one. Rapidly growing old together. (Such Great Heights - The Postal Service)