No cars go...

I wonder if I will ever figure out what will make me happy in my professional life. I am getting pretty sick and tired of waiting for that flash of insight that will tell me what I am supposed to do here. There are a bunch of things I know I would be good at, but getting to try them seems so daunting. I never seem to get any response to any applications I have ever submitted. I feel completely trapped in a unhappy rut bordered by huge walls of financial insecurity and indecision. If I hadn't been so contrary, so blasted indifferent when I was younger maybe I wouldn't be here. Maybe I wouldn't feel like I wasted 10 good years of my life.

I wonder if I will ever come to a time in my life that I can honestly say, 'I'm a success'. I don't know if it is me or just some crazy lack of pride, but I can't remember a time in my live that I have felt successful. Day in and day out it seems like my personal and work lives are just unmitigated disasters and I have to fight tooth and nail to get there.

Friend of a friend, you used to call...

I have lived in this house for all of my thirties.
And I have been left twice.
Left to find my way; to pick up the pieces and move on.
Inspite of that I grasp unto it like a drowning man.
I want it to mean something.
But right now it feels so empty.
I am fully aware that I am the Peter Pan of my peer group.
Floating high, untouched by responsibility.
But I am done.
I want to help people.
To have a family.
To be more then a uncle.

Never forget...

My uncle Gordon was on the ground in Korea. I have two great uncles/cousins who served in the Mediterranean during the First World War. I never got a chance to meet any of them.

How does one convince oneself that something one believes isn't something to believe?

This thing hurts like hell, but what did you expect?

Early days...

That quiet, exciting time learning who she was, by keyboard, distance and time. (Surfing in a Warm Industry - Kashmir)

Excitement, yes excitement, from a quiet soul. Love mixed with dance, mostly on the inside, that bred life into a tired soul. (No Cars Go - Arcade Fire)

A fall down the stairs, and a coupled need to care for the wounded one. Rapidly growing old together. (Such Great Heights - The Postal Service)

It's strange how, after such a long time, the habit to comfort, to take care is still there.

"A ship in harbour is safe, but that is not what ships are built for."

- John Augustus Shedd

In the early, early morn, someone leaves footprints while looking for all they can about you.

It may have been you, trying to keep yourself safe, private, but I don't think it was.

Within minutes, something sparks your eye and you are up, probably talking to that same person.

All before the sun comes up.

Please be careful.

It feels different now, not like then.

"I speak of the city built by the dead, inhabited by their stern ghosts, ruled by their despotic memory,
the city I talk to when I talk to nobody, the city that dictates these insomniac words,"

- Octavio Paz

It is torturous to watch yourself slowly be forgotten while you are cursed with an incredible memory and can not forget, even when you try, try, try.

Its like being buried alive or drowning. Agony in a box; under the sea.

The question is: would I do it again? I have thought hard about that. Heart and hope dashed like scraps on a plate. Was it worth it? I'm not sure, but those stellar moments, those stellar moments haunt me as much as the pain. They come to me when I least expect them. They creep into my thoughts and they don't let go. They were good. I truly believe that.

I am probably delusional.

It was a struggle knowing that no one in your camp thought I was good enough for you. But something they don't know. You might find someone you love more. I can pretty much guarantee that, but you won't find someone who will love you as much as I did. Who got you the way I did.

When I read it
I get sad
and a little angry.

So many of those things
you found with me.

Its like a child
who has grown
and left behind
those things unneeded.

An imaginary friend.

A plaything.

"So much of what is best in us is bound up in our love of family, that it remains the measure of our stability because it measures our sense of loyalty. All other pacts of love or fear derive from it and are modeled upon it."
- Haniel Long

Two lovers walked hand in hand on cold autumn's evening. The chill in the air seemingly speeding up the cars; rushing to get somewhere warm. They were lovers, but not for long. Him full of doubt, her full of fear, neither one too old to have given up hope, nor too young to not to be scared. Content, laughs came easy as they gripped each other tighter. Hand in hand, whispered words met smiles as their hearts inched nearer still.

Both poor, this was their night out, their date. A cold bundled walk on some busy streets they knew so well. Headed to that cafe, the one that didn't charge too much for tea. One bag and the biggest cup they had. Both were used to looking for more where they could.

A crossword torn from a paper left behind, tea in hand, they returned into the night.

It wasn't so different from the night they met. Colder, a little darker perhaps, but so similar. That first night still brought flutters. The picnic in the park, followed by drinks in the bar with the terrible service. They didn't dare move, not wanting the date to come to an end. It didn't matter that the grumpy waitress was slow and infrequent, until after she brought the check.

The surprising kiss. How their thoughts kept coming back to that kiss. She seemed taller then, he told her. You were just stooping, she replied. You do that when you meet new people.

He smiled at that thought. She was right, of course.

a long time ago I wrote...

try and monopolize your time, endeavour to get you naked in strange places, kiss you when you least expect it, do nice things for you, warm my bed for you, find interesting music you might like, stroke your leg when we are in the car together, hold your hand in movie theatres. you know, the usual.

Two lovers walked hand in hand on cold autumn's evening. The chill in the air seemingly speeding up the cars; rushing to get somewhere warm. They were lovers, but not for long. Him full of doubt, her full of fear, neither one too old to have given up hope, nor too young to not to be scared. Content, laughs came easy as they gripped each other tighter. Hand in hand, whispered words met smiles as their hearts inched nearer still.

Both poor, this was their night out, their date. A cold bundled walk on some busy streets they knew so well. Headed to that cafe, the one that didn't charge too much for tea. One bag and the biggest cup they had. Both were used to looking for more where they could.

A crossword torn from a paper left behind, tea in hand, they returned into the night.

I guess that's it then.

You'd think that it would be different now. Things would have changed. You'd think.

Two lovers walked hand in hand on cold Fall's evening. The chill in the air seemingly speeding up the cars as they rushed to get somewhere warm. They were lovers, but not for long. Him full of doubt, her full of fear, neither one too old to have given up hope, nor too young to not fear. Smiles and laughs came easy as they gripped each other tighter. Hand in hand, whispered words met smiles as their hearts inched nearer.

Both poor, this was their night out, their date. A cold bundled walk on some busy streets they knew so well. Headed to that cafe, the one that didn't charge too much for their tea. One bag and the biggest cup they had. Both were used to looking for more where they could.

Tea in hand, after sharing pennies and pocket, off they went into the night.

I hate it when people use my blog to help stalk friends of my online.

I just wonder how many years I took off my life after Iggy left.

Answer to the burning question...

you had one.

I don't know just where I am going...

Awake much earlier than I have to be...

After a quick trip to pee, hours before I have have to leave, I fall into a dream.

Lost in a cab, not sure why we were together, we had time to catch up.

Up and down Yonge, trying desperately to get further away, we leaned against the doors, talking.

I told you the news. You told me where you'd been.

And I woke.

Lying there I was bombarded

With thoughts of my past, my present, my future, I lay there.

Thoughts on what it is like to leave, to be left and to find.

Heartbreak to euphoria, how do you understand it? The reverse, not much better.

Like a racing car, hurtling down the speedway. And as fast as you go, there is always a crash just around that next bend. All you have to do is blink and you are stopped in your tracks. Concrete wall or no, you are done for. Heartbreak.

But you could run forever, weaving in and out. King of the road, overtaking every single car. Not a care that your heart couldn't laugh off with gusto.

But not racing? Not feeling that rush, failure an option always, but never taking the risk?

Watching from the bleachers as your friends play that game of tag, that race of a lifetime. As each tries their best and inevitably one drives the other into a wall.

Where are you then? Helpless, unprepared, yet totally aware.

Photos of you, taken in places I have never been, at times when I was somewhere else.

Those hurt the most.

How does one assuage the guilt associated with being the only one home when your roommate's cat dies, suddenly?

I don't get many days off so they aren't supposed to be filled with panic, helplessness and mortality.

Memory No. 40

cupboards, in the house; dead of winter

As the days keep turning into night, I listen. Listening for songs and signs. Noises, really.

Little bits of you, hiding.

Hiding in plain view, but sound travels in a way, a simple way, a way I can't see and only hear for a second.

Remember when? Remember when Valentine's was coming, almost here, but coming fast and sure.

You went to the store and bought some stickers. Retro and cool.

Hiding them, being on your mind, you arrived home. Placing them, where I would look.

Small places, dark and sure.

It took me a while, but I found them all.

You hid them well, throughout the house to be stumbled upon.

First in the pocket.
Second on the shelf.
Third and fourth piled up.

Placed together.

Rx: Need a little spooning?

Nothing about you that don't please me...

The list, the list is the key.

Top 10 Albums of 2009 (alphabetically):


Attack In Black - Years
Dan Auerback - Keep It Hid
Florence and the Machine - Lungs
Kram - Mixtape
Most Serene Republic - ...And the Ever Expanding Universe
Ohbijou - Beacons
Portugal, The Man - The Satanic Satnist
Said the Whale - Islands Disappear
Two Hours Traffic - Two Hours Traffic
The xx - xx


Honourables:
Alexi Murdoch - Away We Go ST
Timber Timbre - Timber Timbre
various - War Child Presents Heroes
YACHT - See Mystery Lights
Yeah Yeah Yeahs - Its Blitz!